I am so lucky to have these 2 boys! There are so many days when it seems like I focus on the "stuff" that life hands us - the messy diapers, crayon drawn on the floor, piles of laundry, etc. But I have other moments too - moments when I am just captured with gratitude that Heavenly Father lets me be a mom - to these two boys! I'm sure I would be blessed with any children that would enter our home, but I am grateful that I have THESE ones, and that they are ours!
It was just about 4 years ago that I would cry on almost a daily basis - begging my Heavenly Father to help me to understand what was standing in our way of having children. I prayed for understanding, comfort, peace, and the ability to bear my trials with faith. I bargained - promising just about anything possible if we could just hold a baby of our own. I felt burnt out, frustrated and I didn't understand by it wasn't happening on our time-table. I remember just around 4 years ago a specific prayer when I said, "I know that we aren't supposed to be given trials that are harder than what we have the strength to endure - but I am there. I am at the end of what I can handle and I really don't think I can go on - even with the strength I'm given from you - my Heavenly Father." I wanted children desperately - so badly I felt it would break my heart.
But how quickly I forget that at times when my (sweet) 3 year old is yelling and bossing me around as he throws fits - and toys, and my poor little 1 year old is STILL struggling with some teeth that I am sure are going to be the end of my patience (poor guy has a fever again today - but with no other symptoms other than the 2 teeth that FINALLY broke through this weekend). How quickly I forget those trying moments when I'm juggling them through the grocery store with a full cart and Gabe announces that he needs to go potty. Or how I forget when I'm up at night with one of the boys and I'm pleading that they just PLEASE go back to sleep until it's at least a time of day resembling morning. (And no Gabe - 3:30 am is NOT that time!)
I'm grateful for the time that Cory and I bonded together as we pleaded for children. I'm grateful that the Lord listened to our prayers, and answered them - but I'm glad that He helped us learn faith, helped us to rely on our Heavenly Father more than ever, and I'm grateful for the peace that I did feel through that time. Even in moments of despair I still heard a quiet voice telling us we would be parents....someday. Looking back over those years I know without any doubt that our Heavenly Father was preparing us, He was holding on to us through that trial and He WILL hold our hands through any and all trials we have coming up in our lives.
But I hope that I can remember that these little blessings were answers to many, many, many prayers (and certainly not just our own prayers - family and friends petitioned on our behalf repeatedly through those trying years). I hope that when I look into these beaming eyes that I can remember that they brought me to my knees so many times, and that by returning there I can also become a better mother and wife. Too often I wait for "big" trials before I draw closer to my Heavenly Father to guide me through. But whether it's something "big" like wanting children desperately - or smaller - like needing to know how to handle certain daily parenting situations, or having the energy to deal with them - I know that we can pray for that strength and comfort.
(I planned on just posting these sweet pictures and saying I love these boys. But as I started typing more thoughts came out....I guess there was something more I needed to remember....)