Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"It's not that big of a deal" - or is it?

So I am faced with a situation, a lifelong situation/struggle and I would like to throw it out there to you guys in blog land for some advice. How do we decide between the little things in life? Who really gets to be the one to determine what qualifies as something that is important and who gets to decide which things are worth worrying or stressing out over? When someone says that we shouldn't worry about something because "it's not that big of a deal" - what qualifies them to decide that?

One person may think that a particular thing that stresses me out or bothers me is a "little thing" and it might not be a little thing to me. So who is right? Who gets to put labels on the important items and who gets to decide when we should just throw our hands up and say it's not important? Is there a handbook, or a judging system? Are there points values that we give to our worries to determine whether or not they are worthy of our time and energy?

Something similar is the idea of compromise. I understand the idea that life is full of compromise, give and take. I get that more and more as a parent. But there are times I feel like I am the only one giving in, and I don't feel like there is ever give on other's parts. My question is - at what point is the idea of compromise a joke? At what point is it more like letting people walk all over you or giving up?

I wish there was a magical formula or answer. And maybe there is - maybe one of you is holding out on me and has the answer - so spill the beans for me please.


The Mullen Family said...

That is a hard one Joanna. I love how you make me think with some of your posts. :) I think that we each need to decide for ourselves and make our own judgements what is a big deal to us and what is not. Everyone is so diiferent, and you are right, what may seem not so trivial to one is to ourself. What kind of life would it be if it was all mapped out for us. :) And how would we learn and grow? To each his own, I say. We know ourselves better than anyone, and our Father in Heaven knows us better than we know ourselves. If we look to him he will help us to know how to deal or handle situations, etc. I just try and not let what others say and affect what I feel and know.
There is only one person that can be the judge of us. No one else. ok, maybe two, Heavenly Father and ourself. :)

you are great Joanna. I am so lucky to have you as a sister. I love you!

This may not make any sense, but some times it is so hard to write things down, how you are thinking them. Anyway, it makes sense in my head lol. Love ya

Chase and Kori said...

Thats so easy.. Take everything people say with a grain of salt. Laugh about it.. Correct there mistakes and know that the one that decides if you can worry about something is ME.... Everyone know that. This is Chase writing this of coarse.

Alicia and Justin Clark said...

You know, I've had a lot of trouble with this lately, and the best thing I've been able to say when someone tells me "its not that big of a deal" or "chill" or whatever else they say to try and push away what I'm upset about, I'm learning to say "it is a big deal to me". And then the other half I'm learning is to put into words why I'm upset and why it is that it is a big deal to me.

But on the other hand, compromise hardly ever feels like compromise. There are of course the times that it actually is compromise and both people walk away feeling like they've been heard, and each is getting what they want from the deal. Mostly though - it feels like someone has pushed me out of what I wanted and later I look back and say "Dang! Why did I do that? or let them do that?" Its especially hard when one person feels like they have to be the adult in the relationship, while the other person gets to do the "fun" stuff- I know SO many couples with this trouble right now, we talk about it a lot, I'm not saying that's what you're saying, I'm thinking about the sisters in the ward that I'm friends with who are having similar troubles to what you were talking about.

I guess I do'nt really have any words of wisdom, or solutions, except to say that you're not alone at all, and there are a LOT of us going through this now. I think it will get better - I hope so at least. Or we'll all just get used to it and it'll stop mattering. :) Love you lots. Alicia

Brian & Charlotte Carper said...

I think there is a point you reach in aging where you realize that peace in the home or the relationship is the goal and a lot of times, it isn't a choice to compromise, it is a choice to choose peace. and so you learn to let a LOT of stuff slide instead of making a big deal of it because you learn that peace is the goal. And if you can be the peacegiver or the peacekeeper, you can gain reward from that instead of your reward being the victory.

It takes a looooooooong time and lots of practice to truly learn when to stand up and fight - and when to say, okay, peace is more important than my position. It is really hard, but it does come.

Like Alicia said, all the younger wives in our circle are really struggling with this right now which makes me think it is a favorite tool of Satan right now. LOVE YOU