Monday, August 31, 2009

"It's Just Not Fair!"

Ok - I dislike this phrase more than just about any phrase in the human language. From little kids saying it's not fair in relation to being told "no" to something simple to the political arguements that may rile people up and cause them to shout similar sentiments. It bugs me and seems like such an excuse. Really - there are very few situations that I feel like it warrants pulling the "fairness" card. We are all equal, and for the most part in life are treated as such (I know this is not always the case.....) If we feel that a situation is not "fair" we have the ability to change it - or try. As I mentioned in another post - it might take a lot of work - but it's possible.

That aside - there is a concept that I have a really hard time with. A situation that many, many struggle with that I do not understand - at all. Quite frankly it's a situation or trial that makes me want to scream and yell, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" There have been times in my life when I've struggled directly with this situation, and after having my situation changed by the birth of my 2 little boys I still struggle with my feelings about this.


Today after learning about a few different aquaintances, and even a story about a person I don't know at all - dealing with infertility or the pain of loosing unborn children - I have fallen apart. It was almost like I was transported back 5 years ago to the daily ache and tears. I have sobbed, cried and begged to understand WHY this has to affect so many wonderful, deserving, amazing people. Why do my friends cry themselves to sleep and ache to hold a sweet child? Why, when it is such a righteous and good desire are they given this trial to bear? Even though it isn't my personal ache right now I have ached for them. I've remembered the emptiness and physical and emotional pain it can cause. As I've been working this out in my mind it hurts to think about it.

Now this is where I have a few answers, and feel a *little* peace. I know that our Heavenly Father gives us each a set of trials that we individually need. He gives us situations and circumstances to overcome that will make us the very best people that we can be. He knows the end from the beginning, and He knows what trials will bring us back to Him. He knows. In this I have faith and I believe firmly in it. I know that we came to earth for the experience of a body, and to experience agency. We are here to make choices that are hopefully good decisions, that will hopefully prepare us for eternity. I understand in many ways why we have agency, and why this is essential to the Plan of Salvation. I believe in this.

BUT - I have a problem with something in relation to this. A concept that I not only do not understand, but one that makes me want to yell out "It's not FAIR!"

Why is it that we hear about people who don't want children, or who don't take care of themselves or their unborn children; people who drink, smoke, do drugs - all the meanwhile affecting their children who do not have the control, or even the opportunity to express agency or make choices. Why are there so many children abandoned, abused, and even sadly aborted? Why is it that while some are busy making choices and decisions that these spirits who haven't even taken a breath are having choices made for them? Choices that they didn't get to choose, but that may lead them to a lifetime of debilitating health problems, or a life filled with poverty or even abandonment and abuse.

I don't understand it. I don't have answers, I don't see the equality in it. I wish I had an answer to give to my friends, my loved ones who long for those sweet children to enter their hearts and homes....I wish I could know what to say - or even better yet - I wish I knew what I could do to fix it. But I guess as with much in life we pray, we ask for patience in our understanding, and we try our hardest to trust in the Lord.....

In the meantime if you hear me mutter "It's just not fair", I'll try to keep it under my breath and not scream it from the rooftops......


The Little Rascals said...

I also think "It's just not fair" also because we also went through the fertility process for probably 4 or 5 years and it is very hard to see all those babies being born out there that don't have a stable home or are not being taken care of. The ones that let their kids walk to walk in just a diaper or without any shoes on, or the ones that don't make their kids wear seat belts or be in a car seat. I know what you are saying and your right "Its just not fair". I always love to read your post.

Anonymous said...

It is such a hard thing to see people suffer and want a child so badly but not be able to have one. But remember that after the resurrection, those who want to bear children or those who desire to bear more children will be allowed to do so. It is a trial of our faith.

Concerning people who abort, abuse, or do not want children...the Lord once said "the Lord suffereth the righteous (aka. children) to be slain (aka. abused, mistreated, aborted) that his justice and judgment may come upon the wicked" Alma 60:13 (I added words...)

It is hard to comprehend the meaning in these things when we live in such a finite place. But the eternal plan of happiness (atonement) has no bounds and everything will be made right in the eternal world. Those who desire children will be able to have them, the children who never had a chance to live because of abortion, murder, or many other awful things, will be able to live and grow in peace.

It hurts me so much to see innocent people suffer, and it gives me great hope in the atonement and the millenium.

Crystal said...

"It's just NOT fair!" I know many people who struggle with this and it breaks my heart. Many of whom you would never guess, they put on a happy face and are the strongest most loving people I know. If I could take away this pain and frustration I would. But Nampa Flamms said--we will know one day :(

Katie said...

I totally hear you. How many times have I cried that phrase into Troy's shoulder? And not just about us, but about friends of mine, and many times about Ethan. It's not fair that he had to go through the things he did. He will bear the physical and emotional scars for the rest of his life. Ethan will be a different person because of what he went through. He will always hoard food in prepartion for the day when we might stop feeding him. He will always flinch when someone raises thier hand quickly. He will always be afraid of being left alone, he will always have autism, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, etc. I will be a different person because of what he went through. I will never be able to get the sound of his nightmares or the pictures of his limp, nearly lifeless body out of my head. His sister, his family, his friends, everyone who knows him will never be the same because of what happened to him. I wish that none of us had to deal with those things. If I had one wish it would be to take away the hurt he has felt in this life. But as I have struggled with the process of getting hate out of my system, and learning to forgive I have realized that there is purpose behind the things that happen to us. If Ethan had been cared for and loved by his birthparents he wouldn't be as strong as he is. He wouldn't have the kind, loving, forgiving attributes he has. His sister wouldn't be the loving teacher that she is, it is litterally her mission in life to be Ethan's protector, and she wouldn't be that. I wouldn't be as patient, I would still be judgemental, I wouldn't truly understand the repentance process, the love of our Savior, or what true forgiving feels like. Our close friends would not know the compassion they learned, or have the testimony of prayer. Bad things happen sometimes, but they are never without reason. Heavenly Father sent us here and gave us agency. That was the plan, we voted for it. Sometimes other people's agency effects us, I'm sure we understood that part too.
Next:(are you almost certain that this comment will never end:)Infertility. I know that hurt too. My heart has been broken over that. That was truly the hardest thing I have ever been through. But as that old saying goes "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". It's true. It is totally true. It is SOOOO worth it. Some people won't have the results we had. Some people will suffer with it for much longer, but I promise that, whether it be in this life of the next, the end result as well as the person they will become as they endure this pain will be totally worth it. I love that quote by Joseph F Smith about patience, where he says that we want things a long time before we get them because that makes us love and appreciate them all the more. That's the way it is with infertility. Anyway, sorry this is so long, it's something I'm passionate about.

The Buhler's said...

The infertility roller coaster of emotional ups and downs is never something I thought we would experience. We are very fortunate to have the one child we have, but "it's not fair" for her to be an only child. I didn't know that you journeyed infertility before Gabe. I couldn't agree more with your post.