Tuesday, March 28, 2006

So we're back.....

We're back. We didn't end up going to Farmington. Gabe woke up this morning feeling rotten. He screamed and screamed unless 'mommy' was holding him. His nose was runny/stuffy, he had a mild fever, and was just totally miserable. So I called my mom to tell her that I didn't think that a trip to Farmington for the week was going to work out. If he was this miserable in his own bed/environment, I knew taking him out would throw a whole new dimension, and I knew he would be a wreck. (This decision was made after lots of crying, and feeling sad that we weren't going to make it).

However, we had Julia here, so we arranged to take her to Page and meet my mom. Cory was sweet and willing to come with us so that if Gabe kept up his fussiness I could take care of him while he drove, and the weather was crummy, so he was trying to help with that too. But by the time we got to Page I don't think Gabe had even fussed once - he was in fine spirits. I would have just driven to Farmington with my mom, but all I had was the clothes we were wearing, and 2 spare diapers....Yeah, we could have bought diapers in Farmington, but I wasn't up for outfitting the 2 of us with clothes/toiletries for the next several days. So we dropped Julia off, saw Gramma for a few minutes, and headed back to Cedar City.

And now we're home. The roads were rotten – VERY snow covered. I was glad Cory was driving. But we made it in one piece and managed to do our good deed for the day (Cory helped get someone out who spun off the road). Gabe was really good considering all the time in the car, and how yucky he felt this morning. I feel like an idiot with my decision to keep him home. Especially if tomorrow has gone as well as the last few hours have. But Julia knows that he was upset and didn’t feel well…..I just wish I would have known he’d be feeling better by now.

I feel lousy because I ruined everyone’s plans. I especially feel lousy because now other family members don’t get to spend time with him. I can’t even tell you the amount of guilt/frustration I feel about all of the family (Ellis and Rhien) not getting to see him more. I hate it. I really, truly hate it. He is really the one true joy in my life right now, and I want to be able to share him with everyone. I hope that over time I can get over this frustration – since we’ll probably always live some distance from everyone. It just makes me feel like I’m a bad mom/daughter/daughter-in-law because I don’t “share” him enough, and create opportunities for him to spend time with family. I want him growing up to know his family well, and feel comfortable with everyone.

I guess part of my frustration is selfish also. I really wanted to get out, and get away. I’ve just felt in a funk lately, and the stress is doing me in. I just needed a change of scenery, and a change of pace. I needed a time when I couldn’t work on stuff for The Blind Guy, when I couldn’t even worry about it because I was too far away to do anything about it. I wanted to take a trip that didn’t involve something for “work” – I don’t remember the last time that happened. I guess I wanted my own version of Spring Break.

So now I’m still hoping that Gabe feels better – I don’t want him to feel icky….but I also just feel stupid when I look at him smiling and laughing – when I know that he was screaming all morning (unless he was being snuggled by me). I hope we made the right decision, and I guess there will always be time for other trips to Farmington….

Love, Joanna


Alli said...

sorry to hear about your plans. Children sure change traveling don't they? I remember the frustration of failed travel plans because of illness. I hope that you'll be able to find some way out of the winter "I need to get out of this place" blues. I know Alli has been really restless for winter to be over lately. She enjoys being outside, and doesn't like being confined indoors all winter.

Laura is in Wisconsin this week with her dad. She took Alli and they flew out there. I'll meet them in SLC on saturday. I've got my portfolio review on thursday in SLC.

I love you- Hope tomorow is a better day for you.


The Rhiens said...

Sweetie! Try not to add guilt to your feelings. We'll see the three of you in a few weeks, when we go up to Idaho for graduation. We love you so much and would have loved to have you here this week. It would have been fun to spoil you and Gabe. We will some time when it works out for you to come in the future. It was fun to see him for the little time we got to. I'll have to try to post one of those pictures on our blog. We love you. Thanks to you and Cory for letting Julia come for a few days. She had a good time and appreciated getting away for a couple of days. We'll just have to make it happen for you, too, soon. Maybe some time in May.

Love, Mom

Anonymous said...

Been where you are.(More than once.)Don't doubt your self on your decision.
You ALWAYS follow your first instinct and honor it. It may have been an allergy and went way out of the house. Alo teeth are cominng soon and thats a whole new ball game.

You have the infamous BABY Blues. Harmones go wild.
I love you and we all do. Don't feel guilty. Its part of being worn out. Maybe you ae anemic. As usual Grrandma Marilyn probaby says too much but I love you. GO get your hair done once a week jut for the fun of it . Let the machine pickup calls. Trade time with a another mother so you can have a few hours free. Take a bubble bath. Love Grandma Marilyn

Carpers said...

Just ask your mom again about the trip we took to Pendleton when Blake was little and he screamed all the way from Boise to Salt Lake City. You would never get in a car with a fussy baby again after that one, trust me....

I know kind of how you feel since my kids grew up so far from family and now it has been 8 years since I have seen my parents. It is really hard to grow up. It did help a little to go to Anchorage for a couple days just to get out of the house (well, we hadn't been to the temple for months and Alicia had a doctor appointment, but we stayed an extra day just so we could sit in the motel and not worry about business paperwork and cooking dinner).

We love you lots, I'm sorry to hear you missed your time with your folks and hope you get to go soon. LOVE YOU, Aunt Charlotte