So we're back.....

We're back. We didn't end up going to Farmington. Gabe woke up this morning feeling rotten. He screamed and screamed unless 'mommy' was holding him. His nose was runny/stuffy, he had a mild fever, and was just totally miserable. So I called my mom to tell her that I didn't think that a trip to Farmington for the week was going to work out. If he was this miserable in his own bed/environment, I knew taking him out would throw a whole new dimension, and I knew he would be a wreck. (This decision was made after lots of crying, and feeling sad that we weren't going to make it).

However, we had Julia here, so we arranged to take her to Page and meet my mom. Cory was sweet and willing to come with us so that if Gabe kept up his fussiness I could take care of him while he drove, and the weather was crummy, so he was trying to help with that too. But by the time we got to Page I don't think Gabe had even fussed once - he was in fine spirits. I would have just driven to Farmington with my mom, but all I had was the clothes we were wearing, and 2 spare diapers....Yeah, we could have bought diapers in Farmington, but I wasn't up for outfitting the 2 of us with clothes/toiletries for the next several days. So we dropped Julia off, saw Gramma for a few minutes, and headed back to Cedar City.

And now we're home. The roads were rotten – VERY snow covered. I was glad Cory was driving. But we made it in one piece and managed to do our good deed for the day (Cory helped get someone out who spun off the road). Gabe was really good considering all the time in the car, and how yucky he felt this morning. I feel like an idiot with my decision to keep him home. Especially if tomorrow has gone as well as the last few hours have. But Julia knows that he was upset and didn’t feel well…..I just wish I would have known he’d be feeling better by now.

I feel lousy because I ruined everyone’s plans. I especially feel lousy because now other family members don’t get to spend time with him. I can’t even tell you the amount of guilt/frustration I feel about all of the family (Ellis and Rhien) not getting to see him more. I hate it. I really, truly hate it. He is really the one true joy in my life right now, and I want to be able to share him with everyone. I hope that over time I can get over this frustration – since we’ll probably always live some distance from everyone. It just makes me feel like I’m a bad mom/daughter/daughter-in-law because I don’t “share” him enough, and create opportunities for him to spend time with family. I want him growing up to know his family well, and feel comfortable with everyone.

I guess part of my frustration is selfish also. I really wanted to get out, and get away. I’ve just felt in a funk lately, and the stress is doing me in. I just needed a change of scenery, and a change of pace. I needed a time when I couldn’t work on stuff for The Blind Guy, when I couldn’t even worry about it because I was too far away to do anything about it. I wanted to take a trip that didn’t involve something for “work” – I don’t remember the last time that happened. I guess I wanted my own version of Spring Break.

So now I’m still hoping that Gabe feels better – I don’t want him to feel icky….but I also just feel stupid when I look at him smiling and laughing – when I know that he was screaming all morning (unless he was being snuggled by me). I hope we made the right decision, and I guess there will always be time for other trips to Farmington….

Love, Joanna