a few thoughts

I had some time to myself this weekend as we were in Bozeman for Blind Guy meetings. Something that is rare – time all by myself. The idea itself sounded fabulous at first. Nothing I had to do, no one that needed me, and time to recoup on sleep and wasting time without feeling guilty.

But as I was trying to do that, and trying to relax I got to thinking about Gabe, and about being a mom, and how different my life has become in the last 2 years, and about how very different it will be when I’m not only a mom – but a mom to 2….Lots of thinking and reflecting going on. It was good – really, really good.

So what I’ve uncovered is that I am a mom. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – you already knew that, and I should have caught on about 18 months ago when Gabe was born. But no really, deep down I am a mom. Although I’m a few other things (woman, sister, daughter, wife, scrapbooker, YW 2nd counselor) this mom gig is what I want to be, it’s what I long for when I’m by myself, and what I miss when it’s not around.

I was sitting on a bench in the mall in Bozeman after going to a movie by myself, wandering around Barnes and Nobel for about an hour, and treating myself to a bowl of cotton candy ice cream when I realized that more than anything I wished Gabe was there to share the ice cream with me and enjoy the new books I had just picked out for him at Barnes and Nobel. I missed him fiercely. In fact, I had to leave Barnes and Noble earlier because I had been looking at all of these sweet stories about love and Valentine’s, and loving your kids and found myself crying….totally embarrassing (but it worked – it made me buy the darn children’s book that started the tears flowing!)

I know that I need time to myself at times, but since I’ve been pregnant this go-around my time to relax and unwind has been spent being sick, and when I have had a chance to myself I almost felt guilty because I’ve already spent that time away from my mom/wife duties while I’ve been sick.

So I might complain about coming up with ideas for dinner, or feeling worn out from Gabe’s demands – but when it comes right down to it, there isn’t anywhere in the world that I’d rather be than spending time with Gabe and Cory. I know that when this new little baby arrives I’ll be equally as smitten and in love with them. I can’t wait to get to know their spirit, their excitement and their personality.

I know that not all mothers feel this way – and you know what, that’s their choice. I do know however that no rewards or accolades that the “world” can throw at me can be as rewarding as the look in my child’s eyes when he gets something I’ve taught him, or when he just wants to snuggle with me. I am so grateful that I feel fulfilled being a mom and that for me I’m not torn between other good things in life. I think there are a lot of good things that can take us away from home and can even make us very happy. But for me I couldn’t split myself between my family and other things that the world might throw my way, and it was a great realization for me that I didn’t even want to be split between different things – I am happy where I am! I hope I can keep that focus, because I know for me this is where true joy has come from.