Go for the gold!

I am not really a very competitive person. Ok - let me rephrase that - I don't like to compete in things that I don't think I will win. Whether it be scrapbooking related, sports, artistically in any-way - I don't participate in competition normally because I don't want to "lose". That is why in January when I started exercising and running I didn't think I'd ever get into running races. I mean seriously - I wasn't a natural born runner - what was the point if the idea of winning was totally impossible to me?

Now here we are - about 6 months since I started working out and I've been thinking a lot about running, races, winning and ultimately what the point was in all of it.

I went to support Cory in his 10K run yesterday and I just got more and more uptight about the 5K race I'd be running Saturday morning. I watched those awarded with medals, and listened carefully to the times the announcer called out. Wow - these people ran faster than I could ever imagine running! I started listening to that annoying and pesky little voice (a.k.a. the adversary/Satan) in my own head telling me, "You're never going to be as good as they are. Why bother - you're so much slower than they are." You know the whisperings we all hear @ some point or another - telling us we never quite measure up so we might as well not even try?

Then I got wishing that I could wear a t-shirt that said something to the effect of, "Yeah, I might not be that fast - but 6 months ago I couldn't even imagine running a mile - now I'm running in races!!!" I started trying to focus on the PROGRESS I had made and look backward. Not only was I running in a 5K race, I have run several over the last few months. Not only was I going to finish - but I had a goal to run without stopping to walk at all. That was an idea I would have scoffed @ even a month ago. I'm even registered for a Sprint Triathlon for next weekend. That is something that still seems quite nuts - but I'm doing it - and that is huge progress!

So as I drove to the starting place this morning I prayed and prayed that I could quite the negativity and focus on the running. I asked that I would feel light - like I was flying rather than heavy and cumbersome like I had bricks for shoes. I asked that I'd find beauty and goodness as I ran and that I would be able to focus on the progress I was making all over in my life right now. Lastly I asked that this run would be like my 10K in Dallas. In Dallas I felt awesome. At the end I felt like I could have done the 1/2 marathon and I had a total runners high. I wanted to feel light and free like that.

On arrival to the start spot I was frustrated because although I had remembered to charge my ipod, I had brought my Nike+ running tracker and my arm band to wear - I had forgotten my ear phones. Drat! I was looking forward to tracking my time on my ipod. I was really disappointed - I had hoped my music could pump me up when the run was getting harder...I had figured that if negative thoughts creeped into my mind I would shut them up with some Black Eyed Peas or Christina Aguilera cheering me on.

But once I got started I found a new soundtrack to run to - the sounds of others foot-steps. Not just the cadence of my feet, but others around me hitting the pavement was rhythmic and began to feel like music. Then came the harmony - the labored breathing of myself as well as my fellow runners. As we all focused on "good air in - bad air out" our bodies were getting stronger. I found their louder breathing inspiring - helped me breathe more clearly.

At mile marker #1 I realized that the fact my ear phones were @ home was a blessing in disguise - I was feeling very "at one" with my body and my own running rhythm. If I had been jamming to "Eye of the Tiger" or "Lose Yourself" I don't know that I would have connected quite in that same way. I certainly know I wouldn't have caught things like the sound of the rushing water or the cheerful whistling of passing birds. As the volunteer called out our times @ the 1 mile point I knew something was working - I was faster than I normally am! That put even a little more fire in my steps.

The rest of the run went well. The course was mostly downhill and that I'm sure helped my speed and energy. As we came around the corner and the finish was in view I thought for some reason that I had another block to go. When I realized how close I was and looked @ the clock (I was beating my goal by over THREE MINUTES!!!) I knew I had my prayer answered - I literally felt like I was FLYING.

So I didn't WIN the race, or even get a medal - but I felt like I had conquered something so much bigger. I did better than before - I shattered my own personal best. Bigger than that was that I had tried! I had signed up for something hard, I had set a goal and I was reaching it!!! My progress was evident and I felt like a million bucks doing it!

After it was over my friends little boy who also ran it (and won his age group) said, "I prayed last night that I would get a gold medal. My prayer was answered!" I felt like I had won a medal too - not a physical gold one to hang around my neck but an emotional/mental one that will hopefully remind me I did my best and I will continue to progress. That is worth much more than gold!

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Last week we started swimming lessons!  Hunter's not old enough for lessons yet (except for the Mommy & Me class - and we might do those later in the summer...I'm not sure) - but Gabe has become quite the fish.  Last week when we stayed in SLC in a hotel he went nuts with swimming and had NO FEAR.  When we got home I figured it was the perfect time to get him in lessons because he was so excited about it. 

He has been so great at it!  He has no concerns about going under water - in fact, we don't see him most of the lesson because when it's not his turn he's on the little platform jumping under the water as many times as he can. He has really enjoyed his teacher "Mr. Tom" and I've been impressed with him too.  I like it because he can see that Gabe is excited and has actually pushed him harder than the other kids in the class.  When they jump to the teacher he steps back and lets Gabe jump in himself and then just helps him up if he needs (and encourages Gabe to touch the bottom - he loves it!).

What I have loved the most is seeing Gabe's confidence in it all.  Gabe tends to be more timid and shy about trying new things - especially physical types of things (I understand that all too well!).  Watching him start playing soccer last summer was torture for me because the look of fear and anxiety on his face was so familiar to me.  I hated making him do it because I knew those feelings, I've felt that sick pit in the bottom of my stomach - I could empathize with him 100%.  So seeing him light up more than ever before has been so exciting for me!  I love seeing him search the stands for us after he's gone under water for the millionth time to make sure we're watching and I love seeing the smiles as he interacts with his teacher and class. 

Way to go Gabers!

 

Hunter is my little buddy during lessons.  For the most part he just sits and colors while we're there. I've been surprised how good he's been for lessons.  I had been worried that he would be upset that Gabe gets to swim and he doesn't - but it hasn't seemed to phase him.

Layouts - June 7th

At risk of it looking like all I've done for days at a time is scrapbook - these layouts have built up and are from quite a bit of time :). 

Connections and Memories

I have a really vivid memory of singing "Teach Me to Walk in the Light" with my mom in church when I was about Gabe's age - around 4 or 5 years old I think.  I remember the spirit I felt while we sang and I remember feeling with every part of my body that my Mom loved me and knew that the Savior loved us too.  Every time I hear that song I think about my mom, I think about her teaching me about the Savior through out my life.  I've thought about the power of music and how even as a small child I remember feeling the spirit through music. 

Today I created another memory to add to that collection.  Today Gabe and I sang with a group of 4 other kids his age and their moms in our ward's sacrament meeting @ church.  It was just one verse of the song, "Jesus Once Was a Little Child".  The children sang the song and the the moms joined in for the chorus -

Jesus once was a little child
A little child like me;
And He was pure and meek and mild
As a little child should be. 

Chorus:
So little children
Lets you and I
Try to be like Him.
Try, try, try

After we sang and were walking back to our seat I had a wave of emotion hit me.  It occured to me that this song was just as applicable to me in my life right now as it was to my children.  We all need to be like little children, and we all need to live our lives like the Savior did.  And I thought a lot about how my children and I aren't much different from each other...We are all working in our lives to return to our Heavenly Father. 

I happen to have been born before my children, and I have the responsiblity right now to teach them the gospel, teach them to be good people and serve others.  But in the end we will have the same goals and need to work towards the same end result - returning to our Heavenly Father after (hopefully) living good lives.

As I teach my children I am going to become better while I hopefully help them also.  But I think that having children is one of the biggest examples of the teacher learning more than the student.  Being responsible for these sweet souls is teaching me more and more than I ever thought possible!

So I am grateful that I have been blessed with a history of being taught the gospel by my parents and wonderful leaders of the past and I look forward to creating more of those experiences with my own children.  What an awesome responsibility and amazing blessing!

Cauliflower Pizza and Breadsticks

A friend of mine just posted a link to this recipe on Facebook. It sounds like it could be delicious. I'm thinking of making the breadstick recipe later this week or even trying the pizza. I thought it would be good topped with some grilled veggies - peppers, onions.....garlic....

Anyway - thought I'd pass it along since they looked like semi-healthy recipes. I think you could even try adding egg beaters instead of egg, and using the part skim mozerella cheese. And if you did make it into pizza you'd want to be careful how much more cheese you added to it - to keep the fat content down enough. I'll let you know if I end up trying it. My friend who made it said that it was pretty good and she couldn't even taste the cauliflower. She said she hates cauliflower and loved the pizza.

http://denver.yourhub.com/Longmont/Blogs/Archive/Blog~435499.aspx

Layouts

Thank you Tranformation.com!

December 25^th, 2009….reading that date for most people would send memories of this past Christmas and the bliss associated with the holiday.  Maybe thoughts of yummy foods, family surrounding you, traditions passed through the generations.  Perhaps thoughts of a loving Savior who lived and died for each of us or reminders of quiet acts of service rendered through the Christmas season.  But for me – December 25^th, 2009 will be a date I both pray to forget, and yet in the same breath pray the lessons will stay with me forever.  This was the day I hope will be known as "rock bottom" in my spiral of depression.

Sadly this horrible experience was on Christmas Day.  I think part of the experience was because it was on Christmas Day.  I mean it was Christmas Day and even on this one day that we had all anticipated so much for so long I couldn't pull myself together enough to look forward and put on a happy face. I think because the day was supposed to be filled with love, happiness, hope and joy – and I literally felt like I was at the bottom and end of my rope just magnified my depressive thoughts and feelings.  I think my hopeless feelings were just that much worse because I felt like I wasn't only letting myself down – but I was literally ruining the holiday for my family and children.  My depression and self-destructive attitude was ruining Christmas – could it get much worse than that?

So as I found myself crumpled in a ball on my closet floor – unable to breathe, unable to stop crying or stop shaking.   I felt true darkness and painful despair.  I felt the walls of my closet closing in and I felt as close to just giving up as I hope I ever feel.  I had prayed, I had begged for the feelings to go away – but at the same time I almost didn't feel like I deserved the pain to go away.  After all I was ruining Christmas for my husband and children – didn't I deserve to feel rotten?  I longed to just end it all – to put all of us out of my misery.

I didn't feel like myself – I felt like there was something else inside of me sucking out any possibility of happiness.  I felt like I was a shell of the person I wanted to be and I felt so, so lost.  It was depression that was literally darkening every part of my life.  I remember up to that time – through the holidays I just wasn't happy.  I remember not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to deal with Christmas gifts, neighbor goodies or putting things together for my kids.  The idea of coming up with a perfect gift for me to give to my husband seemed like too much to work towards – and I literally gave up.  I was only going through the motions but I wasn't feeling any of the holiday spirit.

I remember lying in bed one day and watching a commercial on tv.  It was a commercial for an antidepressant and the announcer said, "Who does depression hurt?" and then went on to say "Depression hurts but you don't have to." – cue the music, logo for their drug and pictures of people emerging from the pain of depression.  That advertisement was SO applicable to me and I still hear the words echo in my mind, "Depression hurts" – it did and I was suffering from the pain it brought.

So after somehow pulling it together for the rest of the day - the next day out of the blue I said to my husband, "I wonder if I tried training if I could do a ½ marathon this summer?"  That lead me to asking the question out loud on Facebook (and getting an enormous response from SO many people supporting me in it).  It was one of those things where I remember feeling like, "what on earth was I thinking????" just moments after hitting "post" and remembering that "I'm not a runner – I'm not even going to attempt something like that".  My depression kicked back in and I felt not-so-great about it.

Well very shortly after all of that I got an email from a dear, sweet friend of mine – Leslie Groft.  She invited me to possibly workout with her for 5 weeks – for free.  She had just gotten her personal training license and had great results with a program she had done online and she wanted some guinea pigs to workout with for 5 weeks as a trial.  On a whim I asked for one of the spots she had, it worked out, and we planned to start working out as of the first of the year. 

I remember thinking, "Ok – I can handle the idea of adding exercise to my life right now.  But truthfully that is ALL I can do.  I'm not ready to change my eating, not ready to join that *website* Leslie's been a part of.  But I can exercise for an hour a day.  That is ALL I can do though."  The thought of anything else was just too much to wrap my depressed and tired brain around.

So I met with Leslie for the first time as a group – all of us who were going to be "guinea pigs".  She explained the program a bit and started talking a little about food – diet, and the Transformation program.  I still had in the back of my mind "You can ONLY handle changing your exercise.  Get a little exercise in and that will be a good start – that is all you can handle right now!"

But a few moments after that, a little into the presentation she was giving I had something I almost didn't recognize – a glimmer of hope.  Just a glimmer, a slight reminder of someone I used to be.  I had a short tiny reminder of the girl who worked so hard with Weight Watchers a few years back.  I remembered for a moment how much it meant to me when people I loved were also working on getting healthier because of the experiences I had been having and my example. Then I remembered how much I LOVED sharing that part of myself with others.  And then with that glimmer of hope I was reminded of a picture that was me – a VERY happy version of myself.  It was the closest to being comfortable in my skin and body that I had ever been.   But even as I had those feelings I was still saying, "I can only commit to exercising right now – that's all I can handle without freaking out."

Well not long after that (like 24 hours!) I had decided that I was going to revamp my diet – or at least try to.  I still wasn't committing to much more and I certainly wasn't going to do the whole Transformation program.  I wasn't signing up as a Challenger, I wasn't doing assignments or getting online for the community – nope. And I certainly wasn't going to travel to Dallas Texas for a Transformation convention! It took a while and I actually ate all of my words.  I did some assignments, met great friends from the community and even drove to Dallas for the convention!  But I still didn't know where I was going with it…

Fast forward to today – I am officially "done" with the 18 weeks I ended up committing to in the end.  I have eaten clean, changed my way of looking at exercise and begun to believe in myself in areas I NEVER have.  I have ran in races, completed scary workouts (box jumps?!?!) and have lost weight, gained muscle, developed better habits, and fit into new clothes. 

Truthfully I haven't stayed up on the assignments.  I think I have justified that I ended up coming so much further with the program than I had originally planned – that not doing the assignments this round is ok.  In some ways I don't think that was necessarily the best choice – but it's in the past.  But as I got closer to the end I felt like I could have my own challenge again when my 18 weeks was up and I could start fresh with the assignments.  I'm not going to pick up where I left off – I'm starting over at week #1.  I have a plan in place to do at least one assignment each week.  I will have my assignment completed before going to bed on the last day of the week (My weeks will go from Monday morning to Sunday night).  I WILL do them all – I'm committing to that.

For a girl who doesn't set goals – or hasn't in the past this is powerful to me.  Stating it for all of my friends and family to see is powerful and will hold me to my intentions.  I have found strength in that process as I have gone through this journey so far.

Lastly – I just want to say that I know that this works.  I know that my body and mind have changed and will continue to change.  I know that this program has been placed in my life so I can become the girl that my Heavenly Father wants me to be.  I can become the person who I was sent on earth to become and I can be able to better serve my brothers and sisters around me.  I feel that through this process my spirit literally fits better in my body.  I feel more comfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts. It's not about perfection – as I know I have light-years to keep traveling for that – but this journey is about PROGRESS and now I am seeing that around me every day.  I can now look at myself in the mirror and know that "Depression hurts – but I don't have to anymore!" 

Thank you to those who have supported me, who carry me and who love me no matter who I am. I am grateful for people who gave me time to become ready but loved me anyway.  I am grateful for a husband who is my biggest cheerleader and fan – but most of all I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who has helped me remember why He sent me here, and reminded me that I am worth it.  I am truly, truly grateful.

(I have been thinking about posting my progress pictures - showing how things have changed and progressed for me. They are pictures of me in a 2 piece swimming suit (or sports bra) - so it makes me really nervous.  If I end up posting the picture I am only doing it to show that even someone like ME can have great results - in just 18 weeks! I'm not posting them for any other reason than to hopefully have someone else say "Hey - I can do it too!")

Hurricane 5K

This weekend was the Hurricane 5K and 1/2 marathon. My friend Alecia was running in the 1/2 marathon so we made plans to go down and support her. My friend Mindy and I were going to run the 5K version of the race and my friend Leslie Groft was going to run the 1/2 marathon with Alecia to help her through it. Mindy ended up not being able to come at the last minute but the other 3 of us went.



It was great weather and a fun trip. We went down the night before and had dinner @ the Texas Roadhouse (yum!) Then we stayed in Hurricane so we could get up early for the race (the buses loaded @ 5:30 am! I ran my race slower than I had hoped (35:40) but I need to remember progress and not perfection. I'm working on it...Then I waited for Alecia and Leslie to run in. It was fun to see some other friends running, see Mindy and her family come to support Alecia @ the end of the race, and feel the energy of the runners and supporters.



Up to the time the race was going to happen I've been thinking about running and where I've come since I started this journey in January. I was actually sad that I wasn't running the 1/2 with the girls. I think it was mostly because of the friendship and experience that I was missing out on. It was a bummer to wait on my own....which is funny because that isn't how I have always felt....Anyway - I got thinking about running. Sure, I was disappointed in my time of the race - but I ran another 5K! If you had told me 6 months ago that I was going to be running on a regular basis - further than a mile - I would have thought you were nuts. But now I'm enjoying it - sometimes even loving it. I have competed in 3 5K races and a 10K! WOW! :)



After the race I got really thinking about "what next?". Do I do a 1/2 marathon, or try for something else? I have decided that I'm going to try to do the Sprint Triathlon in the Utah Summer Games this summer. Last week I got thinking about it actually - and was going to work on getting ready to do it NEXT summer. But after this weekend I got thinking more about it and I think I want to try for it in June.



This is a big deal - a scary deal for me. But at the same time making that decision is empowering and SO exciting. Trying something different, stretching myself, pushing myself, and working towards something that I know will excite Cory and make him proud of me (he's been wanting me to do triathlons with him for almost 10 years now). It feels so great to believe in myself about something like this. In fact, I should asleep right now - but I've been thinking about it and I have excited butterflies.



Anyway - here are some of our pictures from this weekend. I am SO proud of my friend Alecia. I'm blessed to have been going on this "Transformation" journey with friends like her. I'm so proud fo her example and for the drive I watched her have for this race. My heart just swelled with pride when she crossed the finish line. It was also amazing to watch Leslie running with her. Leslie was in major physical pain but did the race for Alecia. I was so touched by her friendship and willingness to sacrafice for a friend. I watched her love for her friends and it touched me! I'm so blessed to have great friends - love them.